If I had courage
by hiddendaisy1821
Summary: "I wish there was more I could say." That night he couldn't sleep, her pleading voice and tearful eyes hunting him until he dug up a piece of paper from Gaius's table and started to write.


**Summary**: "I wish there was more I could say." That night he couldn't sleep, her pleading voice and tearful eyes hunting him until he dug up a piece of paper from Gaius's table and started to write.

**AN**: This takes place after the scene in 2x03 when Morgana comes to Merlin to ask for his help. I tried to stick as close as to canon as possible. Quote from a song by PoTF.

-oo-

_ ...like secrets, they yearn, just to be heard..._

The chambers were dark except the candle light that lit it. Merlin threaded slowly not wanting to arouse any suspicion. Taking out a sheath of paper he placed it on the table. The look of conflict passed over his face but with a determination he left it there and walked away. His mind was set and he just couldn't find courage to do this any other way. He was a coward, he admitted it long ago. In spite of it all he wants her to know.

By the paper he left a small vail of sleeping draft, more to appease his need to help her in some way. He knew that it only served as an excuse that they all are doing something to calm her nightmares. It caught the soft candle light and the colors danced on the surface of his letter.

As he closed the door, the paper flew from its place on the table to the candle on which it leaned on until it caught fire and slowly started to disappear, and with it the words written in neat, familiar cursive.

_Morgana_

_Forgive my inability to tell you this in person, but as many times before the things that concern you always frightened me. It is hard for me to overcome my fear and so I sit here in my chamber and try to imagine your face as I write this. It doesn't salvage my wasted opportunity to tell you the truth, but I know you are meant for better things. As frightened I am of the unknown, I am even more afraid to leave you alone. To fend for yourself, while coming to terms with what is actually happening to you. It doesn't help much that I have not offered you my hand when you pleaded for any form of truth and direction. You must understand, I was but a boy when I found out about my ability. Even now, I can't say it, but I was born with it. A boy that only had his mother to direct him and show him that this thing that he possessed doesn't necessary mean evil, that it can be a source of good. That out of a simple fire you can create dragons, spell out your name and wish upon stars. _

_I came to Camelot because my home felt too small, constrained and suffocating. I couldn't be there anymore. My gifts were meant for a bigger place, a greater destiny. As always, things didn't start easy. Living in fear, every moment hoping that some miracle would happen and make me equal in the eyes of everyone, hoping I'd be free finally. I have made friends and companions, but no one knew me. Than you came._

_Vibrant and full of life, I couldn't look away. As a woman you were magical, radiant and just otherworldly. I found myself drown to you, even before I discovered your gift. When I found out about your nightmares that came true, I knew that it meant something more. The fear that you lived with must have been overwhelming and I hope that after this you will be at least a bit at ease. Everything is easier when you have someone to share it with._

_In the little time that we've known each other I had realized that I will never know a woman that has such a big hold on me, without her even knowing. Our fragile friendship had shown me that even while fighting through your darkness you were a friend, someone the people close to you could lean on._

_After I found out about a fire and was aware that you do in fact possess what everyone else loathes, I found myself walking to your door a hundred times wanting to be there for you and guide you until you saw that it was nothing to fear._

_To be fair, I sometimes find myself afraid of how it all might turn out to be, but with you I don't. I know together we can conquer anything. There is no need for fear and I can admit it, and with it also answer your question. _

_Yes, Morgana. You have magic, but so do I. Please understand, it is not something to fear and I will spend every waking moment teaching you and guiding you. Maybe than we'll both feel a little less alone. _

_Forgive my earlier cowardice, I hope you will not just see the letter as one sent by your soothers and just burn it, as I've seen you do before. Give me a chance and I will prove how great all of this can be._

_When you have time, seek me out and I will lean my ear for you troubles. When you read this, come to Gaius's chambers and then maybe we'll be able to finally speak honestly, no more secrets. If you do not come I will take it that you want to stay ignorant of what you can do or perhaps that you've burned this letter without even reading it, seeing that it was from me. I chose to believe you'll read this and see it for what it is, my way of reaching out to you. I hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me and possibly give me a chance to prove what we, together, can do._

_Your friend, Merlin_

_PS. Don't hold my infatuation with you over my head too long. I am nothing but a foolish servant boy with his head in the clouds. _

With it the final piece of paper was burned and left nothing but ashes around the small flask, leaving the clear bottle darkened and the light that played on the letter disappeared leaving it plain. The smell of fire woke Morgana from her restless sleep. As she came to see what had caused it, all she saw was her sleeping draft, covered in ashes leaving a feeling of unease as if it held dangerous poison and not her way to a more calming dreams.

Yet, looking at the draft reminded her of a person that brought it and with it followed a feeling of ease and calmness. Some people still cared. Running a finger over the glass surface she saw how it darkened her pale white fingers leaving a dark stain on her skin. Maybe the future will look a bit dark for them all, but didn't want to dwell on her darkening thoughts so with that she sighed and took a deep breath, thinking she imagined everything and returned to her bed.

On the other side of castle, Merlin was waiting. A wait that will last his whole life.


End file.
